Walnuts on My Windshield - Issue #13

Saturday, September 26, 2004

We all have things we do to relax and unwind, and what I do is write. . . or read. . . or organize, pretty much in that order. We hit the ground running after our wonderful vacation in Alabama, and I have not had time to write a Walnuts column since we got back. I don't really have time now, either, but it's my off day and I am determined to relax!

One Woman's Idea of a Vacation:

Take one family of six, complete with every possible combination of personality traits. Place them in a van. Equip them with CD and cassette headsets, books, Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars, pens and paper, a TV/VCR with a selection of videos, a laptop computer, two cell phones, and no maps.

Attach to the rear of the van one four-foot by eight-foot U-Haul trailer. Fill the trailer two-thirds full with: six bicycles, six suitcases, six to eight lawn chairs, one air compressor, one inflatable boat with two paddles, two sleeping bags, six beach towels, way too many beach toys, sufficient masks, snorkles, and fins for a division of Seabees, untold numbers of books (in print, on tape, and on CD), numerous games, life jackets in two sizes, laundry soap, a gallon of SHOUT, one metal pail containing clothesline and clothespins, pillows, pull-ups (for my son, not for me), three bottles of sunscreen, bike tools, and videos.

Position husband in passenger seat with laptop turned on, so that he can earn money while in transit. Insert book-on-tape into cassette player and position headset over right ear only. Tell children you will see them when you get there and begin to drive. Press play.

Never stay overnight in Greenville, Mississippi, even if you have a voucher for a free hotel room there. It may save you money, but it will require you to drive the entire way to the beach on non-interstate (read: 45 mph average speed) highways through every po-dunk village in the south. Actually, there was a 30-mile stretch of interstate between Conway and Little Rock, and I think Highway 65 south from Little Rock to Pine Bluff may have been re-named as an interstate. I wouldn't want to be accused of exaggerating. Aside from costing a lot of time, Greenville is one of the ten most depressing cities in the continental US, necessitating your listening to jammin' praise music for over an hour to recover your emotional equilibrium upon departure.

Plan your arrival at the beach late in the afternoon, when everyone is tired, hungry, and curious about the beach, despite the fact that there is a U-Haul trailer to be unloaded up one flight of stairs just to get into the door of your three-story condo. Haul it all out and/or up, such that you complete the job just as your brother-in-law's family of six, plus Grandma, arrives. Detach the trailer.

Dump your four children, with no notice and no instruction, on their grandmother, and head to the nearest Wal-Mart SuperCenter to purchase some of the food that will be required to feed the thirteen of you for seven days. This is best done without a list and without any of the recipes that the various grandchildren have planned to cook with Grandma's help for the evening meals throughout the week. Or would those better be described as the recipes that Grandma is going to cook while her grandchildren "help?" And where did the Missouri Roberts' recipes get packed anyway?

While at Wal-Mart, obtain a case of mac and cheese to fill the troops' bellies for the short term, and try in vain to call your sister-in-law to ask about her family's preferences on matters like milk, cereal, lunch meat, fruit, and that essential dietary staple, ice cream. Also, remember to have the van's oil changed while removing most of Wal-Mart's edible stock. Resist the sensible but embarrassing urge to use three carts, and cram it into two.

In the parking lot, realize that the groceries will not fit in the back of the van, due to the presence of the TV/VCR which was left in the van. That decision had made sense at the time - it would not be needed in a condo that has not one, not two, but THREE TVs - but is now deeply regretted. Stand in the blistering heat and humidity, and play musical groceries with the TV/VCR and the milk crate on which it stands.

Upon your return to the condo, thank God again for how brilliant your children and their cousins are. Because they have all escaped to the surf with Grandma, it now falls to you and your sweetie to haul innumerable sacks of groceries upstairs into the kitchen. On the fourteenth trip down (no mental processes are possible on the trips up), ponder whether it is REALLY necessary to build all beach houses on stilts.

Cook the mac. Watch a bunch of dripping kids run through the living room hollering for towels. Tell them that you have no idea where they are, that they should have thought of that before going swimming, and that this is your vacation, too, and they will have to get over it.

Serve the mac. Walk on the beach with your sweetie. Visit with your relatives. Eat what you want. Play a game. Collapse into bed.

This is my idea of a vacation.

I managed to be a total slug for an entire week, and I loved every minute of it! My days consisted of sleeping in, walking the beach, collecting shells, swimming, taking pictures, eating no breakfast and whatever I wanted the rest of the day, visiting with my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law (both of whom I like very much), watching the Olympics (especially gymnastics and diving), cooking as little as possible, and watching my kids have fun with their cousins. Did I mention that I did a lot of sleeping and beach walking? That is to be contrasted with beaching and sleepwalking.

The weather was splendid, the kids got along well, and I think each of us got to do what he or she most enjoyed. I returned home truly rested and refreshed. In fact, I told Scott that there may be merits to spending a week at the beach every year, doing as much of absolutely nothing as we possibly can!

From My Bookshelf:

Expedition Whydah, by Barry Clifford, rank: 7. I listened to this one on the way down. It is the true story of Barry Clifford's search for the pirate ship Whydah which sank off Cape Cod over 260 years ago. He found it, and did some fantastic private undersea archaeology on it. Yes, there was gold - a lot of it. You'd have to read the book (or listen to it) to find out what happened.

The Library of Congress: An Architectural Alphabet, rank: 8. This is a "coffee table" book of photographs of some of the various features of The Library of Congress' Thomas Jefferson building. It was beautiful and interesting, and I learned what newels, spandrels, and quoins are!

Quote of the Week:

"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give." Sir Winston Churchill

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