Walnuts on My Windshield

Issue #4

Friday, July 2, 2004

It's a gray, drizzly day here, but I have good news: My knight in shining armor, also known as the bearded wonder, has once again accomplished the seemingly impossible.

You may remember that we have been dealing with the stench of the century, caused by a misplaced and deceased mouse in the cellar. Because our extra fridge and freezer are in the cellar, we have to go down there at least once a day. While we were gagging and holding our breath on our cellar runs, and while I was running multiple Glade Plug-Ins and strategically placing bowls of deactivated charcoal around the first floor, Scott said he had an idea.

This did not surprise me. Scott always has an idea. Usually his ideas rock my peaceful little world. I steeled myself, pinched my nose (we were standing in the stench-filled kitchen) and said, "I'm sure you do. What's your idea?"

He said that he suspected the source of the malodor was not a dead mouse.

"What?! A dead chipmunk? A dead squirrel?? A dead cat or possum or deer???"

No. He thought it was our freezer. Now, to me, this was unimaginable. For 14 years, we have had an upright freezer that we bought used for $75. It was 70s olive green - ugly, but quite functional. A couple months ago. its door finally bit the dust. We, who almost never buy anything new, bought a new upright freezer at Lowe's. It is really beautiful; white, clean, efficient, and the door stays closed without being duct-taped. And THIS is the freezer that Scott suspected was generating the odor of death??? Surely not!

Well, surely so. It seems that a few weeks prior to the arrival of the putrid aroma, I had gone to Sam's. I do that about once a month, and putting the Sam's away is a major event. Some family members (who shall remain nameless) were in the cellar. The cooler of Sam's had been carried down, and I, who was still up in the kitchen, ASSUMED that those in the cellar would put away the Sam's. Not so, Sherlock.

The fact that nearly a week later we found over $100 worth of warm meat still in the cooler is a story for another day. However, the day after the trip to Sam's, a family member went down to get something and found the freezer down standing wide open. It was totally open, as if someone were about to load it up with a lot of food from Sam's.

The person who found the freezer door open immediately closed it, and we waited for things to re-freeze. Unfortunately, there was some meat in there, and it had all thoroughly melted. Blood had run down all over everything.

Now, let me assure our readers that this is not the first time the freezer door has been left open. It happens with some regularity. However, this was the first time it had happened with the new freezer. With the old freezer, all the blood and other melted matter ran down and froze in the bottom of the freezer. One simply scraped it out with a putty knife and life went on. It didn't really occur to me that the reason this process consistently worked well was that the drain of the old freezer - a Whirlpool, I might add - was permanently plugged up with God only knows what.

Scott suggested that the stench could be originating, not from a dead mammal, but from blood that had drained out of the freezer the night (by now two weeks previous) that the door had been left open. It was probably sitting in the drain pan breeding unmentionables and stinking. I told him to feel free to check it out. I only wish I had had a gas mask to lend him.

Indeed, as is usually the case, my hero was correct. The only problem was that the new freezer (like the new dishwasher) is not a Whirlpool. It's a Frigidaire which was actually made by Electrolux. As I explained in a former "Walnuts" column, things have gone from bad to worse in the appliance design department during recent decades.

The nasty matter had indeed drained down into the pan. Scott thought the solution would be to pull out the pan, drain it, clean it, and replace it. Alas, Alack. That was such a 70s concept. The pan does not come out! You may ask, then how would one drain it? Well, Electrolux engineers (EEs), in all their brilliance, have decided that housewives no longer want to have to drain the drip pan under their freezers.

Now, the readers of "Walnuts" are all thinking folks. We all know that condensation does occur in refrigeration units. We all know that liquids tend to run down. We all know that water running down to the bottom of a freezer is bound to . . . uh. . . freeze, thereby plugging the drain hole. Since we don't want that to happen, some EE decided to run the defrost coil down into the drain pan. The water that drains down is thereby prevented from freezing and has a chance to evaporate. Hence the housewife never has to empty the drain pan OR scrape the ice out of the floor of the freezer with a putty knife! It was a nice idea, but the EEs are obviously single folks without families. They don't leave their freezer doors open, so it never occurred to them that anyone else would, either! It never dawned on them that anything but water could ever be in the drain pan. I am sure they are also not aware that blood does not evaporate or that it is a nice, efficient breeding medium.

I cannot begin to adequately explain the time, agony, and contortions (not to mention noxious fume endurance) necessary on Scott's part to remedy the situation. Josiah was away at Cub Scout camp, and bad smells make me vomit, so the girls took turns holding the freezer tilted up, while Scott lay on his back in the gravel, trying to diagnose and correct the problem. From time to time he re-ascended to search for tools, request a pillow, breathe, etc. It took hours. Once he figured out that the drain pan was not meant to come off, he worried that he might break it trying. Worse, he might damage the defrost coil, thereby negating the warranty on one of the few items we own that has one.

Eventually, Scott emerged victorious with drain pan in hand. We won't talk about that, but once it was clean, he told me that the next task was to clean the part of the coil that had been hanging in the pan. It was copper, and what should he use to clean it? Because of its shape and inaccessibility, he was thinking of filling the pan with something (bleach? ammonia?) and putting it back on and letting the coil soak for a while. The question was; what should one use to clean and disinfect copper tubing?

I thought of Brass-O, but I didn't have any and it was after 9:00 PM. At that point, I did what anyone with a novel question should do: Ask Research Consultant! Katie went online and began trying to find out. In a few minutes, she showed me an article that said that you could use bleach to clean your cooper tubing. It would leave black spots on the tubing, but worse that that, it could kill the yeast, which would affect the quality of your brew. Good night! I'm trying to get rid of a dead mouse in my cellar and now I'm learning how to make a still!!!

Since the bleach sounded risky, we went with ammonia. Because it needed to sit for a while, we indulged in a game of Five Crowns. Then, Scott went back south and reassembled everything. The very next day, we were able to unplug the Plug-Ins! The day after that, we could approach the freezer before having to hold our breath. Now, we can actually open and close the freezer, and only the very faintest whiff persists. I am no longer embarrassed to have guests enter the house. Three cheers for Scott!

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This week I finished several books.

Ice Bound by Jerri Nielsen (audio) was super. Jerri was a doctor at the South Pole who developed breast cancer and had to do a biosy on and treat herself. Amazing!

Anybody Can Do Anything by Betty MacDonald (of Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle fame) was funny, but kind of droned on and on. It told, very humorously, of her many jobs during the depression and of her zany family.

Bud and Me by Alta Abernathy is one of the best books I've read in ages. It is the true story of two young boys (6 and 10) who, with the permission and assistance of their father, travel alone cross-country in the early 1900s. They did a couple trips on horseback, one by car (yes, the then 11-year old drove from New York to Oklahoma!), and one by motorcycle. They had some incredible adventures, which makes my life look downright boring.

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Quote of the Week: "Freedom apart from moral truth is the end of freedom." ~ John Ashcroft, 8-14-98 (then a US Senator from MO)